a little light bedtime reading

I am feeling so nervous at the moment that I am really starting to doubt myself. I want to wake up in the morning feeling fresh, pain-free, positive and excited about Sunday, but instead am waking up with butterflies, a slight sense of doom, and backache. I am determind that when I get up tomorrow morning and set off for the airport I am going to be feeling calm, relaxed and confident. I think I sometimes need to remind myself how far I've come in a relatively short space of time, because no matter what I do, I don't seem to be able to stop comparing myself to others and worrying about how slow I am. It doesn't help that certain people joke about it all the time either. I know they're only being affectionate and they mean absolutely nothing malicious, and they only do it because I do it too. But I think it sometimes only serves to reinforce a particular image I have of myself which I don't think is particularly helpful at the moment as I try to develop a more positive outlook. So last night I read through some parts of the journal I kept when I was travelling in 2004/2005, to try and find the entry about running for the first time in Cairns.

"Tropical storm today. Not much to do on the Great Barrier Reef in the rain, except shopping or going to the gym. Opted for the latter. I bought a temporary two week membership as I'll be here for a while. Thought I'd try out the treadmill as all the other machines were busy, and I normally avoid the treadmill like the plague. I walked on it for a bit and then started to run. Oh God. I lasted four minutes. I was going to blame this on the fact that I only have my hiking trainers and they're really heavy. But really it's because it was bloody hard. I can't believe how hard it was. I can't believe I can go on a cross-trainer or a bike for half an hour and not feel too bad, but not be able to run for more than four minutes. I never realised how much more of an effort running is compared to other exercise. Four minutes. That is shameful."

By the end of that two week membership I had bought my first ever pair of Asics running shoes and had run 26 minutes. Then I carried on travelling and didn't have the chance to run again until I came back to the UK. Back at my normal gym, I had to start from scratch again. I think I managed seven minutes when I first went back. It was around about this time that the thought of entering a marathon first entered my mind. I had spent two and half years planning and saving for my round the world trip, and another year living a fantasy life. I'd made myself do scary things like hike up a crevass-ridden glacier, hang-glide, and jump out of a plane at 12,000 feet, and I forced myself to scuba dive in an attempt to conquer my long-held fear of being underwater. When I got home and started living the nine-to-five lifestyle again, I felt this overwhelming sense of emptiness. Something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on what it was for a long time but I realised that I missed the rush of having something to challenge me. Work was hideous, and completely unfulfilling, and I missed waking up every morning knowing that I was going to do something amazing that day. I kept thinking about running a marathon, mainly because the idea seemed so preposterous (I couldn't even run half a mile when I first had this brainwave) and also because I knew it would be the absolute last thing that anyone would expect me to do. The last time I had participated in any kind of organised sporting activity was a junior school netball tournament aged 11.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it. But every time I ran, after about ten minutes, puffing and bright red, I'd think 'Who the hell am I kidding? Am I totally insane?' Then around October time, I saw an advert for the Edinburgh Marathon and I entered on a whim. I suppose I thought, if not now, then when? I knew I wouldn't find out whether or not I had a place for another two months so I just forgot about it. Then in December I got my place. When I got the email, I made my final decision. I would do it. I knew it meant giving up six months of my life to living, eating and sleeping running, but a long-term challenge was what I was after because I knew it would make achievement of the goal even sweeter.

So here I am today, 3 days to go. In the last six months I have run a 'long run' almost every single weekend: - 6,7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 15, 16, 18 and 20 miles. Not to mention the evening runs three times a week in the bitter cold and pouring rain after long commutes to London and back. Just six or seven months ago I never would have believed I could do this. I feel fit as a fiddle (apart from all the aches and pains) for the first time since I was about 7 and could do one-handed cartwheels and walk on my hands. I may be as slow as a three-legged tortoise but I would confidently take on any of my friends at any kind of endurance activity. And I NEVER thought I would ever say that. I still don't feel like a 'runner', but maybe I will come Sunday.

There are so many unknowns about the race itself. I really don't know what to expect. How to warm up. What to do while I'm waiting around. Getting jostled. Being too slow for the people behind me. I should have entered something while I was training to get a feel for it. I think this was a big mistake but it's too late to do anything about it now. I soooo badly wanted to talk to Krzys about all this, and everything else I've been going through, but I decided that I wasn't going to tell him I was running a marathon until I'd done it. I was going to tell him in Austin but after that disastrous run I thought he'd think I was deranged and warn me off. So I decided that I really wanted to have the pleasure of being able to tell him afterwards - someone who would REALLY understand what it means. And I know that the thought of being able to phone him after the race and say 'I've just run a marathon' will spur me on to the finish. I'm desperate to be able to make that call. He's the only person who knows nothing about it.

Last night I ran 4.5 miles with Spock - I wore a warm t-shirt and a jacket zipped up to the neck in a vague attempt to acclimatise for the heat. It was pretty hot in there. Then I had a sports massage which was great although I'm very sore and tender today - I hope this is normal. I'm going to do two more miles tonight and then I'm done. Off to Edinburgh in the morning.